Heat

Heat

The sound of the gun going off ripped through my ears as if I was right next to a fireworks display. The echo of the ear-splitting "BANG" carried on for a good minute. Then there was an eerie silence as people sitting around me took in what they have just heard. Voices were raised to a deafening crescendo with shouting and screaming.

“The army is here!” I gripped Lin’s arm tightly. My sweaty hands were trembling.

“What about them?” Hui shouted. She was worried about the group of senior students who were on hunger strike sitting directly in front of the government building. Lin stood up suddenly, shouted at us to leave then ran towards the gun shot.

I swallowed my apprehension, and we started to run away from the square. The scorching sun was furious. I ran like death was chasing me. Sweat beaded on my forehead, causing my hair to cling to it as my throat ached for air, more air. Something was blinding my eyes, perhaps tears.

People around me were streaming away from square, and a ripple of panic appeared which grew and swelled until they were drowned in screams.

I stopped briefly, gasping for air. I looked behind me and could not see my friends Lin and Hui at all. I continued running for what seemed like longer than it should have taken to get back to the lakeside where I left my bicycle. I dared not wait. I found my bike, and rode back to our student dormitory. Forcing my legs to push harder, I raced. I felt my screaming lungs were about to burst. I felt stingy tears on my cheek, saltiness in my mouth. My pulse was thundering fast, my mind started to fill with images of friends’ bodies.

I reached our dormitory building. There was a note for me. Dad and mum had phoned to ask me to go home immediately. They must have heard. I sat there motionless.

It was dark. Hui emerged stealthily from the shadows. Her lovely long hair was tangled and messy, her large almond shaped eyes were filled with tears. The police had stopped her as the army’s gun shots rang out behind her. They took her to police station for questioning, and confiscated all her leaflets.

That was a sweltering and restless night. Mosquitos were attacking as though they were in training for their mission all day. We could not sleep. Our short wave radio was on with Voice of America alerting the world to the bloodshed in Tiananmen Square. Lin did not show up. The remorse that gripped us was powerful, a deep sadness laced with guilt. We should have stopped her, stayed together, ran away together.

I spent the next morning working out how to get home. All public transport had been shut down. I packed mechanically, hitched a rickshaw to the quay. The long ride in the canal boat during the night seemed never ending. The pungent smell of the boat, the stench of garbage from the canal and the worry constantly hitting the back of my throat, I gagged and drifted into a semiconscious sleep. In the oppressively hot and humid boat, the mosquitoes menacingly circled me. Lin’s small determined face and bright eyes kept appearing in my dream. I woke up periodically from the horrific images of her lying in a pool of blood. I remembered her undaunted enthusiasm for the democratic movement. And where had it led her?

I cocooned myself two weeks in my parents, not wanting to go outside. I did not want to say anything to anybody. My mind was numb, racing in circles, unable to make sense of what was happening. Was everything real? Had it happed? I received a letter from the university, saying every student must go back immediately. We would still have the end of term exams, and everything would be as before for us. I said “ Good bye “ to my worried parents, and left home.

I walked back to our student dormitory with apprehension. There was an aura of grey hanging in the air. Nearly everybody was there. They looked like there was a terrible weight on their shoulders. One evening, the slim figure of Lin walked in. She had changed, her zest was gone, her eyes were sorrowful, sadness raked her body. We all hugged together, she whispered, “ Hong from our department is dead. We failed totally. ” A single tear rolled down her cheek.

There was a giant hole in my heart and I knew nothing would ever be the same.